Validation and Invalidation: what’s the difference?

We have a lot of choices when responding to our friends or loved ones who struggle with voices or other unusual experiences. Our responses can be compassionate, understanding, supportive, and validating, or, often unbeknown to us, judgmental and invalidating. Even though we are trying our best to be helpful and reassuring, we are often unaware about how our statements affect our loved ones and friends. Many of us are under the false assumption that we can fix the other person by what we say or do, and that they need fixing.

Some examples of these invalidating responses we often give are:
”I’m sorry you feel that way”
“You need to calm down”
“Just don’t listen to that voice”
“Did you take your meds today”
“But you were doing so well”
“At least you are not…”
“That is not real”

Some questions we ask can also feel invalidating:
Risk assessment: “Are you experiencing command hallucinations” or “Do you feel safe”
Medicalized: “Do you have a psychiatrist?” or “Have you been taking your meds?”
Clinical language: “Are you decompensating?”

Though we don’t often agree or share others’ experiences we can still validate them. Some examples of validating statements can be:
“It must be terrifying to be experiencing government surveillance”
“It sounds really intense to be going through this spiritual transformation”
“It must feel really violating to hear a voice talking about your body”
“It has to got to feel awful to have insects crawling on you that way”
“I am really glad we can talk about this stuff openly”

For many of us approaching our loved ones with curiosity and validation means acknowledging our fears and, if possible, letting them go, if only momentarily. This might mean slowing down, taking a deep breath, or not saying anything, just listening. Then our dialogue and presence can be helpful.

(Thanks to Wildflower Alliance for information from their Validation and Invalidation power point)